Mr. Peters, a freelance muscle-for-hire sort of fellow, had been manning his desk for days now waiting for something to do when at last the phone rang. A job! The nerdy sounding person on the other end of the line said this was urgent... that meant he could jack up his rate. Rubbing his hands together in anticipation of a fat fee, Peters asked what the job was.
"Look, my associate Thomas tells me you're good. Really good. And smart." (Well, that was true; before going into business as a hired goon, he'd been quite the academic!) "Here's the problem... the phones and email here are all monitored, so I can't tell you what the job is, and this can't wait for me to send you the details any other way. So I'm going to send you an email with the details, but I'll warn you up front, it's going to look like utter nonsense; you'll have to figure out how to read it. I can't use a cipher, as I have no way to tell you the cipher and/or key without it being recorded; nor can I tell you how to read my message without telling them too. No, you'll have to work out what it means on your own. This is the only way I can think of to get you the info and keep anyone from figuring out what I hired you for! If you're as good and as smart as your reputation says, this should be no problem."
He'd seen National Treasure, and ever since, Peters had wished he could get involved in some kind of secret quest—but that sort of thing only happens in the movies.... or did it? Here he was, in the middle of something just like that! This made his whole month!
Finalizing a few arrangements with his new client, Peters quickly hung up and waited for the promised email. It arrived soon enough and, as promised, its contents appeared to be complete jibberish:
I) Grinning Druid gunrunning ring did drug run.
A. Rally a loyal ally, or roar orally.
i) I see tots scoot, toss toys, eye tootsies. Miss Christie's shy sister criticises the thirty
chestiest mistresses' merry trysts. I am an insane sinner, an assassin marine—in a
miniseries. Memo, seems moms see moose messes. This ecclesiastical
metamathematics elitist steals cellmate's tactical schematics, acts cattiest, chastises
all the athletes—it's a lie that this is ethical. I, a pimpled academic, decoded a polar
empirical error & doodled prime radii ere I cried "Pi." Ann, a nana. Assassination
on antinationalists is an odious statist stunt; this is not a solution.
ii) Eros video "Derrieres" recorded Desiree's seedy sorcery! I wish this Swiss twit will sit
still. Ewe—ewwwwww. A drugged grad urged Edgar, a grader, reread & regrade
"A Rugged Dagger."
B) Tut tut, Bubba—a butt tattoo, too taboo.II) His hit is it. Just see us cute succubuses bust butt.
A. Urge Euro guru, "Rue our error." Institutional non-union janitors tattoo satanist illustrations
on tarantulas. I dislike endless idleness in skilless lessees. Kill a Click-it/Ticket tattletale.
i) No onion tint in tin. Hotshots arrest a rooster, a threat to the earth; that sore rooster
asserts that he rotates & tests rare horseshoes. A grinning, eager Engineering hire
engaging in rearranging an engine. Matt's momma has asthma & a mammoth tooth.
ii) I mimic a lame meme mix email:Taunt a nun in an illicit cantina? A yard, all day, hah! Paperclip, paperclip,
rare paperclip; prepare pure purple apparel; call a creepier eerie upper
palace. Timelessly infinitesimal sentimentality finally seems immensely
silly.... Tutu-butt. Odd tot to do dot-to-dot to noon, no doodoo. Studious
cousins discuss discontinuous sinusoids. Hi, I'm Mim. That stylishly
tatty Sally slyly salts tasty salsas.... I sit, dying—disgusting. His sis is
Sith. Narcissistic acupuncturists attract rampant cats. I sit, Sis sits, it is
it. Recently an erratic electrical cycle ran eccentrically. I insist on going
soon to the ghetto to sight the hitmen in the ghetto on missions to shoot
enemies in heists. I'll create terror—yell, lecture a leader, leer at erotica,
cut addled elderly, carry out a deadly act. I tilt a table, ablate a Bible, libel
little Belle, bite a tablet, babble at a tattletale. Sorceresses secure robes
& obscure robbers.... Mamma & Dad deem me, a madame, dead. We
rebel, we brawl, we all rob—we are lawbreaker rabble. "Shhhhhh," I hiss.
Ted, the detested demoted sot, seethed to me, "She's doomed." Old
LoudCloud doll = cold, odd loco clod, lol. Hear her cheer her race career.
In ruined lavender, Laura revealed a riddle and evaded a Reverend. I
maintain impatience, irritation at repeat teammate/nonparticipant
recontamination!Mom, see moose memes memo.
III) A career critic, irate, let accelerate a late Arctic Cat electrical recall. Noting no union ignition
tuning going on, I quit.
A) Haha, Sam has to toast a hotshot host. On reconnaissance, I see rare inconsistencies or
errors in Station Iota's intricate interconnects. Loud old owl & odd low doll duo wow Lou.
Ma'am, ram a ham. "U" or "O". I sense cosmic omniscience is nonsense....
i. He ate the tea.
ii) Singing assassins gassing kings.
B) Tut-tut. - Fifty fit stylists' fists will fly. A Dell handheld had a dead LED. Dally all day, lad.
C) Scouts insist in unison, "Cut iconic institution's tuitions to donuts on odd condition—no
idiotic nudist stunts." A lawless wastrel stealer's rearrest & release seals a restart as a
star wrestler! Revere a rare Avatar tree. "O" or "U". Insecure Brit teens put trust in
antiperspirants, increase in ease, take insane risks, pursue cuties in backseats, erupt in
sicknesses—teens can't trust antiperspirants!
And that was all he had to go on. He scratched his head, stared at the babble before him, and wondered how he would ever figure out what he'd just been hired to do!
$\def\T#1{\small\text{#1}}\def\I#1{\small\it\text{#1}\rm}\require{action}\require{enclose} \toggle{\color{blue}{\underline{\small \text{You have 3 messages (1 new).}}}}{\begin{array}{l} \bf\T{New Message }\rm\color{blue}{\underline{\small \text{(Mark unread)}}}\\ % \T{From: harry@p*******.com}\\ \T{Date: 05-Mar-2017 18:16}\\ \T{Subject: RE: Job}\\\ \\ \T{With your reputation I had some hope you could figure this out yourself, but did not expect it.}\\ \T{This should help.}\\ ~~~~~~\bf\T{14}~~\implies~~\T{_ _ _ _ _,}~~~\T{_ _ _ _ _ _}~~~\T{_ _ _ !}\\ \ \\ \I{On March 4, 2017, *****@*********.*** wrote:}\\ \T{> After your last email I got 14 letters from you. I think I know what to do with them,}\\ \T{> but there seems to be too much in them to reduce to a single word. Did I go astray?}\\\ \\ % \toggle{\color{blue}{\underline{\small \text{See older message(s) in thread}}}} {\begin{array}{l}\color{blue}{\underline{\small \text{Hide older message(s) in thread}}}\\ % \T{From: harry@p*******.com}\\ \T{Date: 22-Feb-2017 01:38}\\ \T{Subject: RE: Job}\\\ \\ \T{Read my message very carefully; every word is important. What did I tell you twice?}\\ \ \\\I{On February 21, 2017, *****@*********.*** wrote:}\\ \T{> You said you told me exactly what to do, but your message seems more}\\ \T{> vague than exact, and you only gave me the instructions once.}\\ \T{> What am I missing??}\\\ \\ % \toggle{\color{blue}{\underline{\small \text{See older message(s) in thread}}}} {\begin{array}{l}\color{blue}{\underline{\small \text{Hide older message(s) in thread}}}\\ % \T{From: harry@p*******.com}\\ \T{Date: 9-Feb-2017 20:12}\\ \T{Subject: RE: Job}\\\ \\ \T{I told you }\I{exactly}\T{ what to do, }\I{twice}.\\ \T{Keep looking, you'll see it ...}\\ \ \\\I{On February 9, 2017, *****@*********.*** wrote:}\\ \T{> Found your message, but not sure what to do. A hint please?}\\\ % \end{array}}\endtoggle\end{array}}\endtoggle\end{array}}\endtoggle$
What is the hired goon being asked to do?
What is the hired goon's christian name?
(If you haven't found the second answer, you haven't yet found the first one either... keep going!)
