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  1. My mouth can kill, but my eyes can only damage.
  2. Religious people turn into atheists because of the offhand positions my golf ball is in.
  3. I conceal what I wish to, as small people tend to do.
  4. I'm an air-traffic controller in Dallas, telling some planes to go and others not to.
  5. I sometimes want you to give me the facts, but I don't accept them.
  6. I like a really good discount, especially of the five-finger variety.
  7. I have no aide.
  8. I tend to be early to things, without collapsing or capitulating.
  9. I've performed a brain transplant. On myself!
  10. I'll promise to give you the entire book of Genesis, and act out 4:23.
  11. I'm a hospital clown, taking samples of both diseased and healthy blood. Generally I'm nice about it, but sometimes my Mr. Hyde side comes out. As a hospital clown, I'm self-employed, so I set my own working conditions and won't be detained.
  12. I have a fever of 38°C, and it's my own fault.
  13. I'll do nothing more than insult you.

Who am I?

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  • 8
    $\begingroup$ Are you okay???? $\endgroup$
    – Lord of the Larks
    Jan 24, 2020 at 11:00
  • $\begingroup$ Are you emojis? $\endgroup$
    – Dannyu NDos
    Jan 27, 2020 at 0:31
  • $\begingroup$ I'm afraid not, @Dannyu. $\endgroup$
    – msh210
    Jan 27, 2020 at 5:35
  • $\begingroup$ Really enjoyed this. The Dallas bit was genius.And I liked the rot13("V..." ba rirel yvar. Avpr zvfqverpgvba.) $\endgroup$
    – Mohirl
    Jan 28, 2020 at 15:25

4 Answers 4

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13
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You are

Always a woman (to me ... well, to Billy Joel anyway)

These are the

Song lyrics rewritten

  1. My mouth can kill, but my eyes can only damage.

    She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes

  2. Religious people turn into atheists because of the offhand positions my golf ball is in.

    She can ruin your faith with her casual lies

  3. I conceal what I wish to, as small people tend to do.

    And she only reveals what she wants you to see / She hides like a child but she's always a woman to me

  4. I'm an air-traffic controller in Dallas, telling some planes to go and others not to.

    She can lead you to Love, she can take you or leave you

  5. I sometimes want you to give me the facts, but I don't accept them.

    She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe you

  6. I like a really good discount, especially of the five-finger variety.

    And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free / Yeah she steals like a thief but she's always a woman to me

  7. I have no aide.

    Oh, she takes care of herself

  8. I tend to be early to things, without collapsing or capitulating.

    she can wait if she wants / She's ahead of her time / Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in

  9. I've performed a brain transplant. On myself!

    She just changes her mind

  10. I'll promise to give you the entire book of Genesis, and act out 4:23.

    And she'll promise you more than the garden of Eden / Then she'll carelessly cut you

  11. I'm a hospital clown, taking samples of both diseased and healthy blood. Generally I'm nice about it, but sometimes my Mr. Hyde side comes out. As a hospital clown, I'm self-employed, so I set my own working conditions and won't be detained.

    and laugh while you're bleeding / But she brings out the best and the worst you can be / ...chorus... / She is frequently kind and she's suddenly cruel / She can do as she pleases, she's nobody's fool / But she can't be convicted,

  12. I have a fever of 38°C, and it's my own fault.

    She's earned her degree

  13. I'll do nothing more than insult you.

    And the most she will do is throw shadows at you .... chorus

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    $\begingroup$ Finally someone else has the same idea as me! So now I'll dump a few of my ideas, none of which were enough to get me to post anything :-). It seems like rot13(gurl ner yvxryl qvssrerag fbatf ol gur fnzr negvfg) though I also wondered whether they might instead rot13(nyy or nobhg n pbzzba "punenpgre", znlor "lbh"). The title made me wonder about rot13(Cevapr) but I couldn't find any matches at all. 1 made me wonder about rot13("vs ybbxf pbhyq xvyy" naq eryngrq vqrnf). 12 is rot13(bar uhaqerq qrterrf S). I agree about 6 and probably 7. Your remark on 2 is a really good spot; I missed it. $\endgroup$
    – Gareth McCaughan ♦
    Jan 28, 2020 at 13:29
  • $\begingroup$ Could conceivably be something like rot13(zbivr yvarf) rather than rot13(fbat ylevpf) but the latter does seem more likely. Second half of 10 is about rot13(xvyyvat fbzrbar) but there are a zillion options there. 8 puts me in mind of rot13(gung snzbhf Evpx Nfgyrl ahzore hfrq sbe cenaxvat: "yrg lbh qbja", "tvir lbh hc") but I think that's probably coincidence. The ones that seem like they should be the biggest giveaways are 4 and 11 but I have no ideas at all for them. I know basically nothing about rot13(rvgure zbivrf be cbchyne zhfvp) so I'm glad to see someone else on it... $\endgroup$
    – Gareth McCaughan ♦
    Jan 28, 2020 at 13:31
  • $\begingroup$ Thanks for the feedback! Agree 4 and 11 seem like they should break it open. The one problem with rot13( qvssrerag fbatf ol gur fnzr negvfg) is that they're very generic. Unfortuntely I know nothing about rot13(rvgure zbivrf) either! $\endgroup$
    – Mohirl
    Jan 28, 2020 at 13:41
  • $\begingroup$ Actually, #4 might refer to rot13(Qnyynf Ybir nvesvryq)? Might be more in keeping with the theme $\endgroup$
    – Mohirl
    Jan 28, 2020 at 13:44
  • $\begingroup$ Well done, very clever. $\endgroup$
    – hexomino
    Jan 28, 2020 at 14:31
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This is probably wrong, but:

a washer/dryer combo? It runs hot, steals socks, hides things, can kill, takes blood out of hospital sheets, beeps angrily when it's done, and you could maybe use golf balls as laundry balls?

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1
  • $\begingroup$ Not it, I'm afraid. $\endgroup$
    – msh210
    Jan 23, 2020 at 23:45
-1
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I'm probably wrong, but I believe this could be:

Pennywise the clown? He does eat people, and his mentions in media have multiple references to the Bible. He also has no aide, but I'm not sure how he applies to the other clues.

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1
  • $\begingroup$ Not it, I'm afraid. $\endgroup$
    – msh210
    Jan 28, 2020 at 4:46
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Partial answer, but I think this is

A pandemic, plague, flu, virus or infection

  1. My mouth can kill, but my eyes can only damage.

  2. Religious people turn into atheists because of the offhand positions my golf ball is in.

  3. I conceal what I wish to, as small people tend to do.

Incubation period

  1. I'm an air-traffic controller in Dallas, telling some planes to go and others not to.

Flights grounded in quarantined zones

  1. I sometimes want you to give me the facts, but I don't accept them.

Perhaps this relates to anti-vaxxers?

  1. I like a really good discount, especially of the five-finger variety.

Loss of digits due to necrosis/gangrene/infection

  1. I have no aide.

Medical aid? Not sure how to fit this

  1. I tend to be early to things, without collapsing or capitulating.

  2. I've performed a brain transplant. On myself!

A virus splitting/invading another cell

I'll promise to give you the entire book of Genesis, and act out 4:23.

Not fluent in the bible, but there were certainly curses and plagues mentioned. Also, being wounded or injured is a good way to get an infection.

I'm a hospital clown, taking samples of both diseased and healthy blood. Generally I'm nice about it, but sometimes my Mr. Hyde side comes out. As a hospital clown, I'm self-employed, so I set my own working conditions and won't be detained.

Not really sure, but the story of Jekyll and Hyde involves a serum/poison/antidote.

I have a fever of 38°C, and it's my own fault.

Pretty self-explanatory here

I'll do nothing more than insult you.

Could be seen as a curse

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1
  • $\begingroup$ Not it, I'm afraid. $\endgroup$
    – msh210
    Jan 28, 2020 at 7:04

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