Chicago, Illinois, December 1929. Alleged crime lord Capo di Tutti-Capone, long thought untouchable, is finally standing trial and facing a long list of criminal charges. The press is buzzing. The prosecution marches in four witnesses.
Mr. Bozzio's statement
I was playing in an after-hours baseball game in our neighborhood one evening. I was pitching, and Mr. Tutti-Capone was batting for the other team. These are pretty relaxed games – we have a fun atmosphere, but not many of us could hit a ball to save their lives. So anyway, in came Mr. Tutti-Capone and all of a sudden he hammered off my first pitch like Eddie Collins. The center fielder was completely unprepared, we never see hits like that in our games. Mr. Tutti-Capone took off running to the first base right away, and by looking at him now you would never believe the speed he's capable of. Serious sprinter material. Everyone on the field was completely in awe of what happened, and their own bench obviously erupted immediately. It was amazing.
Mr. Lancelotti's statement
My family has long been a... rival of Mr. Tutti-Capone's organization. There's long been some bad blood. Mind you, we are a completely legitimate business enterprise. Nothing shady going on. No need to start digging anything about us. Umm, so anyway. Me and my associates were standing outside of our garage preparing for one of our, um, business ventures. All of a sudden I saw Mr. Tutti-Capone's car driving around the corner. It stopped for a few seconds, Mr. Tutti-Capone himself came out, took out a camera and – can you believe it – took a photograph of us right there, and then drove off. I have no idea what he thought he would do with a photograph of us standing there. Maybe he just wanted a picture of a couple of handsome fellas dressed in suits to hang on his wall. (chuckles) I never heard of that picture again, so whatever he was planning to do with it probably never panned out. It was a strange incident in any case.
Mr. Duke's statement
Me and my friends were having dinner in Mr. Tutti-Capone's restaurant. We were sitting pretty close to the entrance, and on the back wall, you know, pretty far from us, was hanging this poster. "Ain't Misbehavin'" by Fats Waller. You know, the song you hear everywhere nowadays? Anyway, I saw Mr. Tutti-Capone walk out of his office, take down the poster, and walk back in with it. I didn't think anything of it at the time, and my friends probably didn't even notice. But after maybe twenty minutes, Mr. Tutti-Capone walked back out and hung the poster back on the wall. Only now I was sure it looked different, you know? So I put down my beer and walked over to take a closer look. You know what he had done? He had cut out all the letters and then glued them back on like this: AABEHIIIMNNSTV''. What's up with that? It didn't make any kind of sense. I never figured out what the purpose was, but it definitely seemed very peculiar to me.
Mr. Colaiuta's statement
I work as a clerk for the Continental and Commercial National Bank. One day after a routine visit by Mr. Tutti-Capone – who, as seems to be public knowledge now, has an account at our bank – I witnessed something very strange. Mr. Tutti-Capone was standing outside on the sidewalk, waiting for his ride home. A taxi approached down the street, and immediately after spotting it, Mr. Tutti-Capone jumped back inside really fast. I figured that he was waiting for a ride of his own, but it was odd to see him react like that. And after maybe five minutes, he did it again. A cab drove by, Mr. Tutti-Capone quickly dived inside, and then went back out soon afterwards. Soon after that, one of his own men picked him up in a car and they drove off.
What bogus charges is the prosecutor trying to pin on Mr. Tutti-Capone? What do you think is the real charge? Which one is the prosecution's star witness?
