You overhear the following identifying statements from a gang of five strangers in a bar, whom you suspect to be siblings or at least working together. Unfortunately, you didn't catch the fourth remark, but you hope you can figure out that speaker's identity once you know who the others are.
I'm such a bad writer that I spend my spare time with an axe.
I really do like mincemeat, I swear!
They all call me mean names because I come from Kansas.
I'm a classical American with a Suomi name.
Who are these people?