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An entry in Fortnightly Topic Challenge #35: Restricted Title 1.

I Am Not Good with Boomerangs,
But things I throw out sometimes return.
I am Not a Ninja
But have expertise, and for speed I yearn.

I Don't Own a TV,
But I just added channels secure.
I Don't Want Directions,
I've already taken the tour.

I Know You're Listening,
I'm keeping track.
I Could Care Less
If you hate my quack.

What am I?

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  • 3
    $\begingroup$ Ha, going all in with the FTC, with 6 titles :-) $\endgroup$ – Phylyp May 28 '18 at 12:02
  • 2
    $\begingroup$ @Phylyp Hoping there's an honorable mention for most xkcd titles. $\endgroup$ – noedne May 28 '18 at 12:07
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    $\begingroup$ Once my daily voting limit is over, there might be some good news for your reputation (I am currently seeing your rep at 9,995 :P) $\endgroup$ – Mr Pie Apr 30 '19 at 7:44
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I think you are

Stack Overflow

I Am Not Good with Boomerangs,
But things I throw out sometimes return.

When a question is close (for being off-topic or badly formulated) it can be re-open later if it's edited and fits better in the site

I am Not a Ninja
But have expertise, and for speed I yearn.

And you expect an answer as fast as possible

I Don't Own a TV,
But I just added channels secure.

The recent addition of the private channels

I Don't Want Directions,
I've already taken the tour.

An experienced user doesn't need to take the tour

I Know You're Listening,
I'm keeping track.

This refers to the annual survey

I Could Care Less
If you hate my quack.

This refers to the april fools Quack Overflow

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  • $\begingroup$ Think about the second to last clue a bit more :) $\endgroup$ – noedne May 28 '18 at 16:38
  • $\begingroup$ OK, I think I got it this time $\endgroup$ – Nank May 28 '18 at 16:43
  • $\begingroup$ I like that interpretation! I was going for views keeping track of who "listens" to the question, but your idea is nice, too. $\endgroup$ – noedne May 28 '18 at 16:47
  • $\begingroup$ Thanks for that riddle anyway, it seems that it's hard to get understood here :) $\endgroup$ – Nank May 28 '18 at 16:52
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Maybe you're

ping

I Am Not Good with Boomerangs, But things I throw out sometimes return.

pings are sent to a remote server and sometimes they come back

I am Not a Ninja But have expertise, and for speed I yearn.

Everyone hopes for a fast ping

I Don't Own a TV, But I just added channels secure.

Maybe there didn't used to exist a way to ping SSL channels?

I Don't Want Directions, I've already taken the tour.

This isn't the trace route command; only the destination is important.

I Know You're Listening, I'm keeping track.

The ping command aggregates a set of pings and reports statistics when complete.

I Could Care Less If you hate my quack.

Perhaps a reference to "ping? pong!". Or maybe that "ack nack" sounds like a duck's quack?

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  • $\begingroup$ Interesting try! However, I think you missed the clues "[I] have expertise" and "I've already taken the tour," and two other clues you did not seem to be able to fit. Incorrect, but good attempt! :) $\endgroup$ – noedne May 28 '18 at 13:50
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You might be a

College professor

I Am Not Good with Boomerangs, But things I throw out sometimes return.

Things teachers say in class might be repeated by students on exams or when called upon.

I am Not a Ninja But have expertise, and for speed I yearn.

Professors tend to be experts and want to cover the material quickly.

I Don't Own a TV, But I just added channels secure.

Many colleges now have online platforms, a relatively new development in academia.

I Don't Want Directions, I've already taken the tour.

Professors often already know the subject matter.

I Know You're Listening, I'm keeping track.

Professors might track attendance of who shows up (listens) to lectures.

I Could Care Less If you hate my quack.

Maybe because some professors don't care what students think of them?

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  • $\begingroup$ Welcome to Puzzling SE! +1 for a well-written and interesting alternative answer. $\endgroup$ – noedne May 29 '18 at 9:45

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