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Hello to all my friends! And hello also to everyone in America,
England, India, and—well, and everywhere else where English (and http)
is spoken! If you don't know me yet, my name is Rubio, a Moderator
serving Puzzling with Gareth McCaughan, GentlePurpleRain, and Deusovi.
Right now I want to invite you (yes ....you!) to try to solve this evil
invention of mine, which nearly killed my illustrious testing team of
solvers (and gave my father a migraine)! So prepare yourself to
experience a puzzle that's (almost literally) to die for. You have to
name me. Yup, to solve this, just give my first and last name, that's all!

What is my name?

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I think it's:

Inigo Montoya

As buried in the text is:

Hello my name is .... you killed my father prepare to die

These words are from:

Each of the words with italics: "Hello" and "my" (line 1), "name" and "is" (line 3), "....you" (line 5), "killed" and "my" (line 6), "father" and "prepare" and "to" (line 7), "die" (line 8).

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  • $\begingroup$ Hopefully closer. $\endgroup$ – NetJohn Apr 2 '18 at 15:44
  • $\begingroup$ Duh. It was there and I didn't copy it over. $\endgroup$ – NetJohn Apr 2 '18 at 15:49
  • $\begingroup$ And you've found my name, well done :) Also, happy Easter and happy April Fools Day :) $\endgroup$ – Rubio Apr 2 '18 at 15:49
  • $\begingroup$ I can't see a "you" in the expected form? $\endgroup$ – IanF1 Apr 2 '18 at 16:26
  • $\begingroup$ @IanF1 It's in there, if you know where to look. :) $\endgroup$ – Rubio Apr 2 '18 at 21:22
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An extremist view of this puzzle yields

a double acrostic.

Specifically,

the first letters of each line spell out HE IS RISEN, and the last letters of each line spell out APRIL FOOL.

Because

today is both Easter Sunday and April Fool's Day.

I suspect we haven't found all this puzzle's secrets yet ... in particular, I think there might be something more in

the lengths, letters, or distributions of the words. Some of the sentences, even in the middle of lines (not affecting the acrostics), feel a bit clumsily worded, as if they're hiding something more than their immediate meaning.

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  • 2
    $\begingroup$ True, but this is not an answer ... :) $\endgroup$ – Rubio Apr 1 '18 at 23:34
  • $\begingroup$ @Rubio I wanted to say the requested first and last names could be the one who's risen, but more likely this is just another scarlet cod. $\endgroup$ – Rand al'Thor Apr 1 '18 at 23:36
  • $\begingroup$ I truly believe I have seen this "HE IS RISEN" word somewhere in another answer... Or I dunno whether it was just deja vu... $\endgroup$ – Nikhil Eshvar Apr 2 '18 at 7:27
  • $\begingroup$ Hu, ng yrnfg sbe zr, Rnfgre Fhaqnl vfa'g ba Ncevy 1 guvf lrne. (ROT13) $\endgroup$ – EKons Apr 2 '18 at 10:12
  • $\begingroup$ @ΈρικΚωνσταντόπουλος That's probably because you celebrate Orthodox Easter (I'm guessing from your Greek username), which is a week later than the Easter celebrated in the west. $\endgroup$ – Rand al'Thor Apr 2 '18 at 10:50
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Well, I can't find anything else, so...

The italicized letters spell out Hell yes... I'm a parodie(parody).

Which could point to

Ed Millband, who was(is?) famous for a catchphrase he said in an interview, "Hell yes I'm tough enough."

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  • 2
    $\begingroup$ You've found a (poorly spelled) red herring, congratulations! $\endgroup$ – Rubio Apr 1 '18 at 23:29
  • $\begingroup$ @Rubio Yeah, I thought so... I expect more depth out of this one, will keep looking :) $\endgroup$ – Quintec Apr 1 '18 at 23:30
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I believe the biggest hint in the body of the puzzle is the words:

my name is Rubio

Combined with the fact that

the puzzle is posted under the account name of Rubio

And the fact that you ask for

"my first and last name", not "names"

Which tells me that

You have only one name which is both first and last

And that your name is therefore

Rubio

Happy Easter and Happy April Fools' Day!

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  • $\begingroup$ I've never been asked to give my first and last names. $\endgroup$ – Chowzen Apr 2 '18 at 12:37
  • $\begingroup$ @Chowzen perhaps, but the wording does allow for my interpretation even if it doesn't require it. Anyway the correct answer has arrived now - thanks for reading mine! $\endgroup$ – IanF1 Apr 2 '18 at 16:24
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Of course it's just another smoked kipper, like the italicized parodies, but who knows, at least this contains a real first name:

The last letters of the lines spell "April Fool".

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0
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my contribution (probably coincidence but who knows):

taking a rot13 of the first letters of all the words in parentheses, one gets "nullntzsnzny"

Also:

the first letters of the sentences spell out "hairsyy"

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  • 3
    $\begingroup$ My gods, null hair! Rubio is balding! $\endgroup$ – votbear Apr 2 '18 at 2:35
  • $\begingroup$ Mange?!?! aaiiieieeee! (I'll confirm these words appearing in this way is pure coincidence.) $\endgroup$ – Rubio Apr 2 '18 at 3:15
0
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Reading just

the words preceding an exclamation point (and allowing for the exclusion of words in brackets, except where the exclamation point is within the brackets) you get friends, spoken, you, solvers, all.

-

It is a leap but, could it be Puzzling Solver?

Besides that, I am tempted to throw wild guesses based on the acrostic.

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