I was talking to this guy online, and he was telling me a lot of increasingly improbable stories about his past. You know how people write fanfics like "imagine a vampire who lived through the Victorian Era and the Industrial Revolution, all the way to space shuttles and computers"? It was entertaining so I played along, but then I realized he was actually serious!
I know, I should have wished him well and signed off, but my interest was piqued. I wanted to know who this guy was! (They were really good stories, OK?) He was acting all dodgy though and wouldn't give me a straight answer to any of my sneaky questions.
Finally, I gently suggested that I was a bit skeptical that he actually experienced what he said, and if he really was all that, surely I would have heard of him? ... Well, that was a mistake. He got pretty mad and blocked me.
"Well," I sighed, "guess I'll have to get my historically accurate vampire story fix elsewhere."
But the next day, I found this in my mailbox:
You want to know who I am? My true identity?
Good luck, here's a rhyme, my first and only:
I can do anything, just you see -
I can leap over flames as fast as can be!
You've heard fictional tales of my name on high seas,
How I climbed to the clouds (though I had to flee),
And from England, a chill treasure-hunt, if you can believe.
Even so, don't pretend that you really know me!
Give me a "hello", and I'll steal your keys -
I'll light up your holiday if you dare to cut me!
Now if you got this far, the last part is easy:
R I P . . .
Needless to say, I'm a little concerned! I'm certainly not planning to "cut" anyone, but I think I should report it to the police. I doubt they'll take me seriously unless I figure out who this guy is, though - any ideas?
Hint for the remaining unsolved line:
"England" neither his name nor home,
Author of tales much better than my own!