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I was talking to this guy online, and he was telling me a lot of increasingly improbable stories about his past. You know how people write fanfics like "imagine a vampire who lived through the Victorian Era and the Industrial Revolution, all the way to space shuttles and computers"? It was entertaining so I played along, but then I realized he was actually serious!

I know, I should have wished him well and signed off, but my interest was piqued. I wanted to know who this guy was! (They were really good stories, OK?) He was acting all dodgy though and wouldn't give me a straight answer to any of my sneaky questions.

Finally, I gently suggested that I was a bit skeptical that he actually experienced what he said, and if he really was all that, surely I would have heard of him? ... Well, that was a mistake. He got pretty mad and blocked me.

"Well," I sighed, "guess I'll have to get my historically accurate vampire story fix elsewhere."

But the next day, I found this in my mailbox:

You want to know who I am? My true identity?
Good luck, here's a rhyme, my first and only:

I can do anything, just you see -
I can leap over flames as fast as can be!

You've heard fictional tales of my name on high seas,
How I climbed to the clouds (though I had to flee),

And from England, a chill treasure-hunt, if you can believe.
Even so, don't pretend that you really know me!

Give me a "hello", and I'll steal your keys -
I'll light up your holiday if you dare to cut me!

Now if you got this far, the last part is easy:
R I P . . .

Needless to say, I'm a little concerned! I'm certainly not planning to "cut" anyone, but I think I should report it to the police. I doubt they'll take me seriously unless I figure out who this guy is, though - any ideas?

Hint for the remaining unsolved line:

"England" neither his name nor home,
Author of tales much better than my own!

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  • $\begingroup$ I am not a poet or writer, just trying new things - constructive criticism quite welcome :) $\endgroup$
    – user812786
    Dec 9, 2016 at 19:49

5 Answers 5

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Is he perhaps,

Jack?

I can do anything, just you see -

Jack of All Trades

I can leap over flames as fast as can be!

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick

You've heard fictional tales of my name on high seas,

Jack Sparrow?

How I climbed to the clouds (though I had to flee),

Jack and the Beanstalk

And from England, a chill treasure-hunt, if you can believe.

Union Jack?Jack London, thanks to @Rubio.

Even so, don't pretend that you really know me!

"You don't know Jack!"

Give me a "hello", and I'll steal your keys -

Hijack

I'll light up your holiday if you dare to cut me!

Jack O'Lantern

historically accurate vampire story

Might be an allusion to Jack the Ripper? It's a bit of a stretch, but that's also an unsolved mystery. An immortal vampire being responsible is probably not on the radar.

Good luck, here's a rhyme, my first and only:

Probably a hint that we're just looking for one name.

Now if you got this far, the last part is easy: R I P . . .

Jack Riley? He died (relatively) recently (August), and may have been relatively known, via Rugrats and MASH. It's not as easy as I'd hope though, so it's likely wrong. I overthought this so much, Jack the Ripper, (thanks @Rubio)

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    $\begingroup$ I immediately thought Jack from the clouds one but didn't get the rest, +1 $\endgroup$
    – Beastly Gerbil
    Dec 9, 2016 at 20:02
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    $\begingroup$ I knew that part would be easy, but I'm still surprised by how quickly! You're still missing a few clues. Everything so far is correct except the England line. $\endgroup$
    – user812786
    Dec 9, 2016 at 20:14
  • $\begingroup$ Re the update, check the comment under Rubio's post :) You got the "Good luck" line right too. $\endgroup$
    – user812786
    Dec 9, 2016 at 22:46
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@Sconibulus has most of this already.

The last reference is

Jack the RIPper

The England chill treasure hunt is

Jack Hare from the children's book Masquerade (not this, per OP)

After the new hint, I really want this to be Jack London who is an amazing author, has a name reminiscent of England, and wrote very famous novels about gold-rush era Alaska.

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  • $\begingroup$ First one: correct! Second one: that's awesome, TIL! but.. not it. The "chill" part is relevant. $\endgroup$
    – user812786
    Dec 9, 2016 at 22:41
  • $\begingroup$ I was sure that was it. :) $\endgroup$
    – Rubio ♦
    Dec 9, 2016 at 23:29
  • $\begingroup$ Jack Hare is a truly brilliant answer, even if it's not the right answer. $\endgroup$
    – John Gowers
    Dec 10, 2016 at 11:36
  • $\begingroup$ Between your latest edit and @Sconibulus it's been solved! Nicely done :) $\endgroup$
    – user812786
    Dec 12, 2016 at 20:11
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Got it! (The England Line)

Jack London
An American author famous for adventure stories set in the North.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_London

And by line:

And from England, a chill treasure-hunt, if you can believe.

Jack London is famous for adventure stories in the far North, and especially surrounding the Klondike Gold rush. A veritable real-life treasure hunt.

"England" neither his name nor home,

Jack London does not have "England" in his name, though London is the capital of England. He is also not English (home), but rather an American author.

Author of tales much better than my own!

He's a writer, and very popular one, with many great successes.

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  • $\begingroup$ Beat you by over an hour. see my updated answer :) Great minds think alike! $\endgroup$
    – Rubio ♦
    Dec 12, 2016 at 20:33
  • $\begingroup$ Aw drat, I hadn't seen that you edited it. :( Grats man! $\endgroup$
    – bobthefunny
    Dec 12, 2016 at 22:11
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Is the England reference

Jack the Ripper?

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The England one might be

Jack Frost

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  • $\begingroup$ Nope, sorry! I just added a hint for that line. $\endgroup$
    – user812786
    Dec 12, 2016 at 18:12

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