Originally published by me on the internet ca. 2003. No trace left on Google, so you get a clean slate.
Drenched with sweat from hard labor in the field, Noah loosened his girdle and complained, "I'm hungry! What's for dinner? Oh God, my aching back."
As if in answer, God appeared in a luminous cloud. "Noah, you must build an Ark. 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, 30 cubits high. You must make this Ark of gopher wood."
"What the heck is gopher wood?" asked Noah. "I bet nobody else in the whole Bible ever heard of it.1"
"Kind of a pun of mine," chuckled the Lord. "In that if you want any wood, you'll have to gopher it." Noah groaned.
"But seriously," God continued, "I do require that you use four specific kinds of wood, and no others, in building the Ark. One kind for timbers, one kind for planking, one kind for furniture, and one kind for firewood."
"Fine," said Noah. "Now name these various species of wood so I can build the Ark as you command."
God shrugged. "They have already been named. You figure it out."
"What?" cried Noah in desperation. "Can't you at least give me a clue?"
"Well," mused the Lord, stroking his beard, "as you know, I hold the letter S in abomination, for it is shaped like a serpent and is the first letter in 'serpent'. Take away the S'es and you'll know. Get that Ark ready quick now, you'll be needing it to float your goats." God chuckled again and disappeared.
Name the four kinds of wood.
1. True. "Gopher wood" appears nowhere else in the Bible.