A quick one for language fortnight.
A few days ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. We were never really right for one another, and I knew it was coming, but of course it still stung a bit. And true to her style, she did it via a series of poorly written text messages. She didn’t really pull any punches, mentioning many things she saw as my character flaws: playing too many video games, considering a trip to Taco Bell a “date”, constantly correcting her grammar and spelling, shaving my chest with her razor, shaving my chest at all, etc.
At first I didn’t know how to respond, but eventually I decided to simultaneously take the high road and the low road. So I sent her this email:
I’m sad your leaving.
I can’t believe we ended up here, after what was an wonderful beginning. I know at times things were good and at times they were badly, but I always thought we would make it.
I remember the start. Right when I saw you, I knew you were a people of interest.
Things were great for so long. But now, we all know whom is at fault, so I understand your decision.
The dogs are upset. Sandy just lays down looking sad and misses u. So does Rusty. They makes me feel better at least. I’m glad the shelter gave them to you and I.
I feel nauseous without you—I feel like I could throw up any second—but I understand. This is the way things had to be.
Hears what I want you too do: live your life, be happy, and be goode.
And I smiled smugly to myself. I knew that she would never understand what I was really saying. Do you?