You are in need of a taxi to get to your destination. You approach the curb and there are 5 taxis waiting for your business. Each of the 5 taxis have different characteristics:
Taxi 1: You will get to your destination without any issues. The driver will talk to you the entire time but once you step out of the cab you won't remember a single word that the driver said.
Taxi 2: During the ride, you will be forced to stop and buy a coffee for yourself and the driver.
Taxi 3: During your ride, you will be forced to stop at church and attend a service before continuing to your destination.
Taxi 4: The driver is 10 years old. If you are not dressed appropriately the driver may not allow you to get into the cab at all.
Taxi 5: There is free pizza and beer during your ride, but the cost of the trip will be double what you would pay in another taxi.
What is this a metaphor for, and what do each of the taxis represent?
The metaphor might be easy, or difficult, depending on where you live.
Most people in the United States know which taxi they would choose.
I have re-written this hint at least 10 times. One version had a disclaimer, another even had an apology. In retrospect I kind of regret posting this puzzle, since it is not only date-sensitive, but it also might be borderline offensive to some. Despite that I am still holding out for hope that people on this site will appreciate it for its entertainment value rather than the way non-puzzlers might take it. Now that I have likely achieved my secondary goal of strangest hint ever, you might be able to deduce what type of noun the taxi's represent. From there it should be easier to find the metaphor.