# Who stole my laptop?

It’s obvious that one of my “friends” was lying to me back in March this year. Someone who knew I’d be gone stole my \$1,500 laptop and my crappy old broken microwave (I probably won’t ask for that one back).

I dug up this old chat log, hopefully you can tell me who’s full of it and who isn’t. You can assume only one person is/is aiding the thief, and everyone has perfect memory. Multiple backstabbers might just be too much for my fragile heart to handle.

4:11 PM <Curmudgeon> opened chat.
4:11 PM <Curmudgeon> joined chat.
4:11 PM <Alice> joined chat.
4:12 PM <Curmudgeon>: hey alice
4:12 PM <Alice>: hey, just back from your month in europe?
4:12 PM <Curmudgeoon>: a week ago, yeah, glad to be back in 'murica
4:12 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY> joined chat.
4:13 PM <Alice>: sam, st patricks is tomorrow
4:13 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: no **** alice im getting stoked early
4:14 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: dude why we here anyway
4:15 PM <Curmudgeon>: Wait until everyone gets here.
4:16 PM <snek> joined chat.
4:16 PM <snek>: ssss
4:17 PM <Alice>: hey scott how was europe with curmudgeon
4:18 PM <snek>: o didnt you hear? i had to stay home sick
4:18 PM <snek>: got ******* food poisoning like 2 days before the flight
4:18 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: sucks to suck
4:19 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: wheres john?
4:19 PM <snek>: said he’d be late, had a meeting or some ****
4:24 PM <Johnny> joined chat.
4:25 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: there he is, hurry up so my gf can paint me green
4:26 PM <Curmudgeon>: okay guys, this might be a little uncomfortable, but I need you to answer honestly. I’m not going to sue or anything
4:26 PM <Johnny>: **** whats going on?
4:26 PM <snek>: hush up and listen john
4:27 PM <Curmudgeon>: exactly one month ago, someone who knew my garage code got into my house and stole my laptop and microwave.
4:27 PM <Alice>: you seriously think any of us would do that? wtf
4:28 PM <Curmudgeon>: I wouldn’t be doing this if there weren’t a simple solution. since the culprit conveniently knocked over and broke my clock, which still displayed the date and time when I got home. I want all of you to tell me where you were at noon a month ago.
4:29 PM <Johnny>: were supposed to remember? i dont remember where i was 5 hours ago man
4:29 PM <Curmudgeon> Well thankfully, that was the day I called you all to see how you were doing, so you should have no trouble remembering.
4:30 PM <snek>: oh right, thats easy. i was still weak from the food poisoning and you called when i was mustering up the energy to go visit my man johnny
4:30 PM <snek>: i was probably at his house by noon
4:31 PM <Johnny>: you were, cause dude called me right before you got there and i told him to shove off
4:31 PM <Curmudgeon>: can confirm, was told to shove off
4:31 PM <Alice>: you called me while i was driving.
4:31 PM <Curmudgeon>: yeah, i remember the roaring of the car when i called actually, it was hard to hear you
4:32 PM <Alice>: was definitely still out around noon, since i grabbed a bite to eat
4:32 PM <Alice>: i woke up, got ready, visited my grandma on one side of town, then back across to the post office to get stamps and mail a birthday card
4:32 PM <Curmudgeon>: thanks. what about you sam?
4:33 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: your call actually woke me up, after noon. i was asleep, man
4:33 PM <Curmudgeon>: oh yeah, i remember that actually. sorry about that
4:34 PM <Johnny>: hey man, i saw sam that day around, walking down our street with his gf! dont bs me
4:34 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: even if thats true, we dont live anywhere near curmudgeon, which means it couldnt have been me
4:35 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: and while were on the topic, i know you werent with scott
4:35 PM <snek>: shut up sam
4:36 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: he was with my gfs friend becca, probably stealing your microwave
4:37 PM <Johnny>: she doesnt live anywhere near him either and you know it
4:37 PM <snek>: fine sam, i made it up since my real alibi is so stupid. i was sound asleep at noon, i conked out right after i hung up with curmudgeon
4:38 PM <Johnny>: ya sorry, wouldnt have lied but i had to cover for this bumbling idiot
4:39 PM <ST_PATTYS_DAY>: idiots
4:39 PM <Curmudgeon>: no, no guys, it’s okay, i believe all of you. was probably just somebody who watched me punch in the code sometime, it’s no big deal
4:40 PM <Curmudgeon>: see you guys
4:40 PM <Curmudgeon> closed chat.


So maybe I’m a bit of an overbearing friend, but can you tell me if it paid off? Someone must have a contradiction in their story. Who’s lying? (There is a definitive answer, so don’t be too quick to flag this as "too broad" ye-who-likes-to-flag!)

• Suddenly I'm wondering if this is a REAL story and you've called in the brains of Puzzling.SE to help you catch the culprit... :-P – Rand al'Thor Jul 1 '15 at 22:02
• Of course it's real! You think I'd lie to you? I'll have you know I'm not the thief in this puzzle, as I had no insurance on my microwave or my laptop ;) – Curmudgeon Jul 1 '15 at 22:48