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When I wake up ???? ? ???? ?’? ????? ??

?’? ????? ?? ??? ??? ??? ????? ?? ???? ?? ???

When I go out ???? ? ???? ?’? ????? ??

?’? ????? ?? ??? ??? ??? ???? ????? ???? ???

If I get drunk ???? ? ???? ?’? ????? ??

?’? ????? ?? ??? ??? ??? ???? ????? ???? ?? ???

And if you solve this then you know where I would be

And I'll be solving riddles all day long with you

Now if I ???? for ??? ???? south

And turn right then ???? ??? ???? ????

I just need to ???? north an extra ????

To end up where I was ??????

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1 Answer 1

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The first six lines of this puzzle are an obfuscation of...

...the lyrics to the song I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers:

When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
If I get drunk, well, I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you

All of this is intended to imply that the remainder of the riddle has relevance to:

walking. (Because the lyrics to the chorus are "But I would walk 500 miles, And I would walk 500 more, Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles, To fall down at your door.") And specifically, to a very famous puzzle involving walking (and miles) which is presented here in the continued rhyme scheme. We can fill in its blanks as follows:

Now if I walk for one mile south
And turn right then walk one mile more
I just need to walk north an extra mile
To end up where I was before

As discussed elsewhere (including here on Puzzling!), this puzzle commonly has two acceptable solutions:

You either start:

A) At the North Pole

Solution 1

or B) 1 mile north of a circle around the South Pole of circumference 1 mile

Solution 2
Images courtesy of Michael Stillwell at popularmechanics.com

However, as @LieutenantZipp points out in comments, this second case can be generalised:

You could equally be at such a distance from the South Pole that walking 1 mile south puts you on a circle with circumference $\frac{1}{n}$ miles for some integer $n$. Walking 1 mile parallel to the equator then just involves walking the length of that circle $n$ times, which will still be a distance of 1 mile in total and bring you back to your starting point, and thus has the same end result. (Case B above is the scenario where $n=1$)

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    $\begingroup$ If Weird Al Yankovic wrote Riddles that were too easy ... well done! :-) $\endgroup$
    – happystar
    Commented Aug 28, 2023 at 20:37
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    $\begingroup$ Technically, you could also rot13(or ng fhpu n qvfgnapr sebz gur Fbhgu Cbyr gung jnyxvat bar zvyr fbhgu chgf lbh ba n pvepyr cnenyyry gb gur rdhngbe jvgu enqvhf 1/a sbe fbzr vagrtre a. Gura lbh whfg jnyx nebhaq gur pvepyr zber gvzrf). $\endgroup$
    – Lieutenant Zipp
    Commented Aug 29, 2023 at 3:40
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    $\begingroup$ @LieutenantZipp Fair point. I've added the general case to my answer, thanks :) $\endgroup$
    – Stiv
    Commented Aug 29, 2023 at 9:52
  • $\begingroup$ That's not strictly the same: arne gur cbyr, urnqvat pbagvahnyyl jrfg (be rnfg) vf qvssrerag sebz znxvat n ghea naq gura jnyxvat va n fgenvtug yvar (terng pvepyr). But that's a problem with the question, not the answer. $\endgroup$
    – Toby Speight
    Commented Aug 29, 2023 at 14:12

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