Welcome to Puzzling Stack Exchange! I believe the answer is
Stapler, as this useful tool does all of the above in the question.
EDIT:
I will explain the "crunch out fate part"
Pretend that you are in English, and your teacher says that you have to turn in your essay that is worth $10^9$ points. This will determine you grade, obviously. You take out your papers and you realize "OH NO! I HAVEN'T STAPLED THEM YET." So you go to the front of the desk. 10 seconds until the bell rings. You slam the stapler on your paper and by some pure force of evil, the stapler jams. You fail English.